JA Missives

2011 was another year full of undulating parenting advices. Amy Chua sang her battle hymn as a ‘tiger mother’ this year, Lori Gottleib told you ‘ how to land your kids in therapy’, while the echo of Po Bronson’s ‘Nurture Shock’, or even our old friends Alife Kohn and Wendy Mogel still contribute to our reflections on good parenting. Navigating the right resources may feel like aiming at a moveable target; children’s development is so fast moving. What was useful to you for raising your precocious 5 year old feels out of date when he becomes a sullen 10 year old. What may feel right for one family may feel out of sync with yours, and your child’s temperament may contribute to your appetite (or your nausea) when you seek parenting guidance.

Social emotional development is an active and conscious process for children, and it is for their caregivers, too. It is not straight path, and it most certainly develops right alongside the academic process. Children often bring their social work home with them; some of what you hear about social struggles on the playground or in class may be troubling, and also represent only part of the whole story. Your child has an inner life where they grapple with increasingly complex problems. Most of what we see during the school day is normal social conflict and moral quandry, even when it all sounds and feels really awful to you, the parent. It may be your impulse to jump in and rescue your child from hurt or disappointment, but this often interrupts their learning process. We want children to build skills, and with them, resilience among peers. For that, just as it is in a math or social studies lesson, we know they need to experience problems and struggle with how to solve them, at developmentally appropriate times. Knowing that your kids are not going to have a conflict free ride through school, partnerships are helpful, helping us find patience to weather the storms, and giving us all confidence that they can, over time, and with active and loving support, build healthy tools for managing in the world.

Child Development 101 Notes about 5-8 year olds

•Moral Development at this age is focused on developing their sense of right and wrong. Children see lying, cheating, stealing, hurting others = wrong, and respect, sharing, fairness = right.

•Erikson calls this stage Initiative vs Guilt. Initiative – they make things happen, they develop curiosity, exploration and problem solving strategies. Guilt – when it functions in an adaptive way, it is the promotion of social harmony, inhibitions for aggressive acts and leads to requesting forgiveness and compensation for wrong acts. This is where we see empathy begin to develop.

•You will notice, your child just cannot make up his mind when presented with a choice. Parents can be very directive with the child at this age. Spell it out for him – what is about to happen and what he is expected to do. 

•Preparing a child ahead of time for what you expect is very effective – i.e laying out clothes the night before really greatly reduces the struggle of getting dressed in the morning; letting the child know how the routine will be shifted this evening over breakfast is very helpful. This is not the best age (though it is coming soon) for “you are choosing to…and x will result”  More effective, “I expect you to stop X behavior, you have two minutes, or I am counting to 3.”

•It is also a good time to preview what is expected in very concrete ways, “We are going to grandmas house, she will expect a hug when you walk in and then you can see whats in the cookie jar, remember hug first, then cookies.”

•At this age, children are very aware of being bad and being good and they want to be good! To her, things that her parents allow are good and things they forbid are bad. Even so, sometimes the first impulse however is to reject a request. This is why giving the child prior warning can be helpful, and a couple of reminders wont hurt. Encouragement and praise is extremely important at this age. She needs to know what the parent expects from her. 

•Because your opinion is so important, it is not a time to make global declarations of a negative type. “I am tired of you always needing to eat right before bed!”  Or within earshot “She is just a child who HAS to have her own way.”  How about “Cooperating is not always easy but she is working hard on it in school.  I saw her cooperate so well the other day when…”

•Parents can help their child reduce tension by limiting criticism, giving the child time to comply, and compromise. Dawdling is a big problem for six year olds. They seem to lose focus on what they are doing, especially when getting dressed.

•Catch your child behaving well and comment on that behavior.  

•What you will hear are things related to the challenges for them at this stage – group dynamics, inclusion, exclusion, what other children did that was ‘wrong’ will likely take the attention of your child right now.

•When they talk about something distressing that happened to them, think about being very curious – “that’s interesting” or reflective and mirroring, “it sounds like that really hurt your feelings!” Or ask clarifying questions, “What happened right before she told you to go away?” or “Very interesting, how did you respond?” “Did you think it was right what she did?” Know that feelings are intense. The hope is to allow them the space to explore their experience, keep in mind it is important to be interested, but to be quite careful not to take it on as yours.