JA Missives

2015

The strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” Rudyard Kipling

I just finished reading White Fang (by Jack London) again, this time with my own children. I love that book—it is a beautiful, and painful, metaphor about social power, human behavior, compassion, and of course, dogs and wolves. White Fang ends his long, amazing journey in the hands of a compassionate owner and “pack,” who we see will bring out the best in him. And this is what brings me to the children. 

Understanding the social lives of children is never easy. We often look back at our own childhood experiences and overlay those onto our kids, making it even tougher for the issues to be understood or the children to be trusted. Teasing happens, even aggression, and exclusion too. Power plays and social standing are at issue, and even out of that, we see surprising friendships sustain themselves. All children experience some kind of social pain or sadness. We believe we can equip children to be tremendously compassionate, resilient and even creative in how they cope over time. In our schools we have a deep appreciation and sense of faith in the inner light and potential of all children, and we structure our program around that kind of optimism. So, how can you help when things get really tough, and your child experiences conflict, pain or sadness?

Some adults look at teasing, for example, as good clean fun, and others see it as social cruelty. No matter what, often we are missing the point. Most teasing happens to enforce the rules of the group “are you in on the game, what kind of sense of humor do you have?” When students persist here, we impose our school expectations, and the will of the group to help revise behavior. We want our kids to be well practiced with SEL strategies, speaking up, peace talk, assertiveness, speaking with integrity and truth in your word, and we use Meeting for Business, or even Worship, when we think the group or individuals will benefit. We direct teaching around difference and tolerance, especially. Still, when social teasing or name calling happens, and you hear about it at home, it is hard for parents to know what to do. Often kids might say “Don’t get involved, you will make it worse!” and there is truth in that worry-because if parents take control, of the language or the label of the behavior, kids are stripped of their power to make a difference. We don’t want adults intervening with harsh punishment or words, interviewing ‘victims’ for pain-and coming to immediate defense, or grossly missing the opportunities to learn. We don’t want individual kids to get stigmatized, but we do want all of our kids to grow socially and emotionally.

Our culture is mindfully attentive of the dangers and impact of real bullying, for good reason. When we attend to the social pain that can emerge among peers, we find it much more effective to expose the behavior and address the issue thoughtfully, and head on, rather than labeling children. Labels can isolate children and their families-children who are working hard, and parents too, to develop healthy social lives and friendships. Real bullying behavior often comes when someone is experiencing powerlessness in some way, and a real sense of belonging may be at risk for any involved. Rather than pushing that child outside, we bring them in even tighter-hoping to restore a truer sense of belonging in the community. Empathy is a learned, developmental behavior; some children need more teaching and experience than others, but we know it is teachable. It is much better for our community of children to learn to speak up assertively, and for others to find ways to restore their social standing, and right their wrongs. We strive to help children muddle through developmental milestones and challenging power dimensions as they grow. 

Use your child’s teacher to guide you, step in to help if things get really tough, of course!  Sometimes parents, in trying to find out the facts of a situation, jump to judge. Even when you think you have it right about who is to blame, you may be missing a big piece of the ongoing picture.  

When your child comes home and complains of an incident on the playground, blaming someone else, labeling that child, or assuming victim or perpetrator can get in the way of helping your child makes sense of the situation. Trust your child to be a manager of his/her developing social world, and empower him/her for next time. Consider yourself an interested and curious co-observer with your child. Here are some open ended prompts that can be useful, affirming, and empowering for kids:

-What happened right before that happened?

-It sounds like that really upset you.

-How did that work for you?

-What do you think might help if that happens again?

-How can I help?

The social lives of children are long, and it is ultimately their work to learn to balance it all.

Here are some tips from Michael Thompson about how to manage the complexities of parenting in the face of the social dynamics in school your child will experience. 

Don’t worry so much.

Recognize the difference between friendship and popularity. (Hint-Friendship is more important.)

Support children’s friendships. Make your child’s friends welcome in your home.

Be a good friendship role model and teacher.

Provide a wide range of friendship group opportunities.

Make friends with the parents of your child’s friends, and ‘enemies!’

Empathize with children’s social pain, but keep it in perspective. Take the long view.

We highly recommend these three very practical guides to parenting and supporting the healthy social development of all of our children-these are among the resources our teachers make use of in the lower school:

•Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, Michael Thompson and Catherine O/Neill Grace

•Speak up and Get Along, by Scott Cooper

•How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish