JA Missives

Fantasy play in the early elementary classroom, 2015

I opened my desk drawer recently and resurfaced a small collection of tiny toy weapons. They are the remnants of gifts my son received; a vintage GI Joe’s handgun, a particularly ominous pistol stolen from the hands of an unidentified hero. I had deftly taken them out of their pretend hands, and hid them away. My son’s very best friend from preschool gave him a toy gun as a loving goodbye gift, and it stays tucked away, but I haven’t tossed it out either. I’m not sure why I have kept them, perhaps I question the integrity of censoring the gifts the way I did, or I know that my edits are not really addressing the point. Looking at them helps me reflect and think clearly. Some wonderful children like to play war, they love Star Wars, and guns come into play; and yes, many of them happen to be boys. The Head of School at our Quaker school once told me that one student, early on, thought for a long time that our weekly silent reflection gathering, “Meeting for Worship”, was actually a “Meeting for Warships,” and he was waiting patiently, weekly, for the arrival of the fleet. My son has a legacy of war veterans and war protesters in his ancestry, and he’s interested in these conflicting ideas. On Wednesday mornings, I bet he is awaiting a ‘warship’ fleet, and I’m sure too that he is peacefully reflecting on it during silent Worship. The line between fantasy and reality become distinguished by the time children are 5, so we know they can understand that pretend play is different than real fighting. Vivian Paley, a prolific early childhood educator, and a great peace lover herself, reminds us that even war play is an expression of socialization that enhances collaboration, it is self searching, and always contextual, enhancing the well-being of the children’s experience in school.

Being at a school that values peaceful problem solving, and is founded upon the history of Quakers as peace builders presents a paradox for me when I confront my sweet boy in the hallway at home, with a pretend gun beckoning him in his play. I tell my son, “Please don’t point that at me while making that loud gun noise, I know you are playing, but it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like guns.” And he responds, knowing me well, “But mom, my gun shoots love bullets. Can I shoot you now?” Very peaceful boys from peace loving families still seem to be drawn to gun play. Somehow they manage to turn that found stick into a weapon, one way or another. While I am on the gender stereotyping bandwagon, I must say that observing my wonderful teenage niece comforts me-I see that a very confident young woman with a strong self image can grow out of a little girl who got her hands on some Barbie dolls. So, what is my role as a parent of young children in a complex world full of questionable media influences-ban the dolls, and intercept the war play at every turn? When and what is the right balance of allowing for self expression and fantasy play and intercepting the children with my values? If my peaceful male friends are any measure, I am pretty sure that a young boy’s interest in war play isn’t evidence for real violence later on. It is just far more complex than that. As parents we have to make a million choices at home that reflect our values for our children, social and political. It is a big, persistent challenge. 

So, how do we approach this complexity at school, specifically in the face of gun play? My mother used to say she loved working at a Quaker school, where the line was clear, and the culture of gun play was limited, without question. We don’t want to shame young children in the midst of their play, but we do remind them of our commitment to peace in the school, so the play guns get put away. We are always seeking opportunities to actively model our core values at SFFS-peace, mutual respect, and community. Kids help us stay true here, as so many of them will speak up and say they are uncomfortable with gun play, making it easy for children to respect the community of individuals they play with. Our approach is to watch and limit war play while providing alternative ways to work on the issues that may arise amidst the play. If guns emerge, teacher Noah tells his students, “Guns are weapons that can hurt people, we don’t hurt people at school.” Lili says, “Guns and weapons can hurt or scare people and because this is a safe place, we want to keep each other safe and make sure we feel safe. If you are using something that scares people, it isn’t making sure everyone feels safe.” Ilsa says she will sometimes use humor as part of the play, and just asks the kids to ‘put the gun back in the holster’ and move on. If violent play increases, we call a Meeting for Business and ask the kids to the conversation about what they think about gun play at school. We must make space and listen as closely to the child who says guns frighten him, as we do to the child who tries to present the history of peacemaking Quakers, and as well, to the one who has a deep respect for the gun carrying soldiers they might know in their family. In those conversations, Ilsa says the students always bring it back to the school and their parent’s core values. We keep community and peace at the center in our play here together-they make sense, gun play at the Quaker school has clear limits.

The world out there is full of mixed messages for children, and in the long run, they learn to distinguish the grey areas and think for themselves. They are attentive when their loved ones respond in both positively or negatively to anything; they watch and listen to who we are, to be sure. They also register the array of other views outside their family circle. We think even young children can understand some complex ideas, and over time, form responsible views and act on them. The world out there is a messy place, and children’s experiences at home are also diverse. You can count on that fact that here at Friends we have clarity. We make space for their fantasy play, so long as it doesn’t take over the territory, and gun play here at school has clear limits. We always engage the children to think about why.

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Three book recommendations, especially if you have a young child who challenges your notions of acceptable war play:

•Boys and Girls: Superheroes in the Doll Corner, by Vivian Paley. The author examines the teacher and parent role-even as the violent ‘play’ pushes all her buttons, she comes to learn that is is not her role to shame the child in the moment of their fantasy play.

•The War Play Dilemma: What Every Parent And Teacher Needs to Know, Teacher’s College Press, Nancy Carlsson-Paige and Diane Levin. The author examines five possible strategies for resolving the war play dilemma and show which best satisfy both points of view: banning war play; taking a laissez-faire approach; allowing war play with specified limits; actively facilitating war play; and limiting war play while providing alternative ways to work on the issues.

•Who’s calling the Shots? How to respond effectively to Children’s Fascination with War Play and War Toys, by Nancy Carlsson-Paige and Diane Levin